March 17, 2015 at 2:43 pm

Tim you were married forty years? I know how devastating this is. I know you have been through a lot of pain. It is hard moving on when you have spent so much of your life with this person. Then realizing you never really knew them. It is so devastating. These marriages are so destructive to the straight spouse. Soul Shattering.

Tim

March 17, 2015 at 4:55 pm

No Debra, I was married for 30 at discovery. My wife, though, had these “intense emotional relationships” starting at age 13. It w a s n ’ t until she was 54, when I asked her if she was a repressed lesbian based on some of her more eggregious recent actions, that she recognized that she had a SSA. How someone could live and not know for over 40 years is beyond me. She had 5 of these relationships by age 30, but they all lasted two years or less. This one has been going on for more than five years. That’s why, for the first time in my life, I started therapy. That and the folks from SSN saved my sanity and put me on a road to doing for me. My therapist, without ever meeting my wife, figured her out after one session. And it’s that understanding, along with the support from other people in the same situation, that has brought me back from the brink.

March 15, 2015 at 8:50 pm Reply

Works both ways- the husband of a repressed lesbian goes through the exact same emotional trauma. I know, I am one. And I’m not alone. Visit the Straight Spouse Network for more information.

They find gay p o r n on the computer, or receive a strange phone call, or text message. The gay husband will blame the wife, or the children. If he is caught red-handed, he will only admit to what you know. He will say he never acted on his same-sex attraction. He was just curious. These gay/straight marriages become sexless. The closeted gay husband has been actively seeking sex with men throughout the marriage. As he ages it becomes harder and harder for him to deny his same-sex attraction. The gay husband wants, needs, and craves a man. He needs this connection that you his wife cannot give him. While the wife shuts down sexually, the gay husband never denied himself sex with men. Some gay husbands may admit to being gay, or bisexual after being caught, only to take it back later, or deny ever saying this in the first place. It can take many years for the closeted gay husband to come to terms with his sexuality. Some never do. They use the fact they are married to a woman, or have children to tell themselves they cannot be gay.

Repressed Homosexuality can lead to abuse when a gay man targets and marries a straight woman. The gay husband suffers from shame, denial, and repression of his true sexual identity. Most gay men who marry will never admit they are gay. Repression can lead to impotence with women. You may find yourself in therapy, marriage counseling, and your husband is having his testosterone levels checked. It is common for closeted gay husbands to suffer from guilt and self loathing, as his same-sex attractions continue. They are angry and resentful. You will never be able to do anything right in their eyes. You are confused. You tried to help as they suffer from depression,alcoholism, or both. The doctor changes or adjusts their antidepressants. Nothing works. They may have legal problems due to alcohol and drugs, this leads to more depression. The wife will also start to suffer from depression. Her psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants and maybe some tranquilizers. Her confusion continues as she tries to make sense of this marriage. The women who marry these men are the most giving, and forgiving women. They have the biggest hearts.

These men who hate themselves, have nothing to offer in this fraudulent marriage. The wife becomes the target of all of his anger. My gay ex told me I was the closest one to him. He told me this is why I was on the receiving end of his anger, Lucky me! He lacks empathy, because he is so full of his own pain. He simply does not have room to care for you. He will intentionally cause you pain, he also seems to take some pleasure in this. This is because he resents you. His fear and shame prevent him from living an authentic life. He feels pressure to appear straight, what he feels the norms of society expects, this is why he marries. There is more to this, something in his core is disgusted by what he is. He is not comfortable in his own skin. He grows to resent the marriage. He wants to be free after many years of denying his true self. These men move on so easily after the marriage ends. They may have feelings for you like a friend or family member, but they were never in love with you. They feel relief when the marriage ends. The wife did not know her husband is gay, she was in love with her husband. She wanted her marriage to work. She is devastated.

The wife of a closeted gay husband goes through so much to put her life back together after the marriage ends. Many of these women suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. She blames herself for not knowing, and for the abuse she put up with. She thinks something is wrong with her. She has been stripped to the core by a gay man who never loved her. She feels used. She cannot trust her own judgment, or anyone for that matter. Her emotions and sexual feelings shut down, and she wonders if they will ever return. Sadly these men have told their wives, they are crazy. They have been gas-lighting their wives for years, in an attempt to throw her off the trail of truth. Many women find out by accident