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A Child Doesn’t Define What Marriage Is
By Dexter Njuka
I KNOW of two or so young men who have decided to marry their girlfriends as a result of having made them pregnant. One was in a steady relationship with a university student and had planned to marry her as soon as she had graduated.
Unfortunately, he betrayed her and after that he had made his workmate pregnant. He told me he was just having a baby with her and there were no intentions of getting together as husband and wife. He gave me all the reasons he could of why the two couldn’t just marry. The reasons emanated from differences in denominational preferences to social interests and cultural inclinations.
I come across such situations as I do my chaplaincy. Boys and girls who burn their lustful energies they would never imagine ever marrying but, alas, when pregnant issues come in, they decide to become Mr-and-Mrs-So-and-So. Needless to mention, the pressure that comes from the lady’s family as a result of this unwanted baby.
The woman’s parents will come with all the demands that really sound like a threat of grave consequences if the gentleman would not marry their daughter.
At least he is promised of softer terms of payments for ‘damage’ if he agrees to marry their daughter. Damage? What about the psychological ‘damage’ the young man will experience because of his new status as father and now husband?
Marriage is not a petty issue. Marriage is a serious responsibility and obligation that one should not get into simply because they have a child with someone. Many marriages that were founded on this premise are in the doldrums.
When a situation is allowed to continue where a child or baby defines marriage then we are simply diverting from the divine covenant. God who initiated marriage in the Garden of Eden after making Adam a woman he called Eve said “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) From the Genesis account, marriage precede child bearing.
It was after the marriage covenant that God said, “Go multiply fill the earth.” I know someone out there will give a theology of the old testament that Moses Torah commanded that whoever got someone’s daughter and slept with her, all he needed to do in the morning was to go to this daughter’s parents and pay dowry and that’s it, that was marriage.
It is just wise to look at the bigger picture.
To some extent the fear of raising a child outside marriage are far less than the consequences of two disagreeing people who marry just because of a child. In fact such marriages don’t even last long before the very foundation begins to crumble down. And before the marriage is dissolved, the marital disagreements would have caused some deep psychological catastrophe even to the very child they were trying to shield by this marriage.
The author is a chaplain for Mupapa Secondary School for the Seventh-Day Adventists in Copperbelt Province.
Posted by Editor
on October 2, 2015. Filed under LIFE & STYLE, STYLE.
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Chief of Grief
October 2, 2015 at 6:31 am
Lyashi lyobe mune……
New Educated Zambia©❤√
October 2, 2015 at 8:10 am
Marriage and family unit under pf had lost its value and sacredness. Alot of immorality which tends to be one of the by products of poverty and hardship. To institute marriage and family values please vote upnd
pillar
October 2, 2015 at 8:11 am
Opposition United Party for National Development president Hakainde Hichilema has set conditions for attending October, 18 National Day of Prayer declared by President Edgar Lungu.
Featuring on QfM Radio yesterday, Hichilema said calling for national prayers on matters that were an act of human failure amounted to abusing the name of God.
And Hichilema bragged that the UPND will wipe out the ruling Patriotic Front in next year’s general elections.
pillar
October 2, 2015 at 8:15 am
We all know who HH prays to. It’s not a secret. He will be offering counter-prayers.
New Educated Zambia©❤√
October 2, 2015 at 9:31 am
The only one that needs prayers is the visionless chap that has caused economic hardship on his own people. Tell lungu to pray for forgiveness.
Ng'ombe Mbuzi
October 2, 2015 at 12:12 pm
Everyone needs prayers including your ka ‘messiah’ HH.
rare breed
October 2, 2015 at 8:22 am
Very true.
mamajee
October 2, 2015 at 9:17 am
its true marriage is not about children, I have been married for 5yrs without a child. lam happily married and enjoying my marriage, my husband is very understanding over the children issue, including his relatives. my hubby owes say ” children are from God” my husband is really supportive and he even bought me a nice car. Thanks for the nice article.
Denkete
October 3, 2015 at 12:27 pm
Tekanya wibilima. A childless marriage doesn’t last. That car will be gotten soon.
ubifi
October 5, 2015 at 5:17 am
Mamajee you are a lier so you choose a car over children. Just say the truth ati yalingondwa.
GIFT
October 2, 2015 at 9:18 am
THE AUTHOR IS VERY RIGHT
ba guy
October 2, 2015 at 10:37 am
@mamajee after reading your comment I felt like I just listened to myself, l have also been married for five years and we are so happy just like the very first day we met we know it’s God who gives.sometimes when am low he encourages me that he married me for love and not just children.time will come for us to be parents.we thank GOD for such nice men,
Kachana Banda
October 2, 2015 at 10:40 am
I completely concur with the writer. Many women and men are killing, abusing,cheating both emotionally and physically on their so- called spouses because of marrying them for wrong reasons among other (CHILDREN). Marriage comes first before kids, and God also did not say use kids as Passports to MANIPULATE others, you are destroying the lives of the kids in the process. You find that parents hate each and they fight in front of kids or have affairs, TOXIC PARENTS are DANGEROUS TO THE WELL BEING OF CHILDREN.Even if you trap someone using a pregnancy, they will still LEAVE to FIND the PERSON MEANT FOR THEM. So to all of you women and men ,who are busy brothering and hindering your BABY DADDIES and BABY MAMAS From moving on and marrying who they truly love, LET GO and also MOVE ON. JUST MAINTAIN WHAT I CALL ,A PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP.(where the relationship is just purely focused on the kid(s),Nothing else.) Either AGREE NOT TO HAVE KIDS OR PLAN TO HAVE THEM AND MARRY. And if the guy does not marry you , praise God, his not meant for you.God has just saved you from possible DEAD.
Israeli
October 2, 2015 at 10:52 am
@BA guy and mamajee the author is talking about marrying because of raising child not marrying to manufacture some.
ba guy
October 2, 2015 at 11:12 am
@Israeli understand the article very well these people forcly get married because of pregnancy,and they hurt their partners and say they are marrying so that they can raise the child together.on the other hand mamajee and I are just trying to relate to the article and express our appreciation to our men that atleast they married us out of love and not because of pregnancy.I hope you are cleared.good day.
AMADOCTERS
October 2, 2015 at 11:12 am
That,s nonsense,how would you feel if someone impregnants your daughter and leave you 2 fend for them (your daughter & the baby?).if yoU let him off the hook,he comes back and impregnants her for the second time,then you have 2 grand children at 35years .we’ve seen these things happen,so the best thing is to marry them off.(No sweet without sweat).
petenga
October 2, 2015 at 11:13 am
We sat down with my spouse and decided not to have children as we both have some from previous relationships. Ten years of bliss and travelling the world. Even if relatives talk we just concentrate on loving each other.
richard
October 2, 2015 at 11:17 am
Naumfwa uluse @ba guy and@mamajee you will be surprise to hear your hubbies have enpregnanted school children and you will be kicked out like a thief kikik.
ba guy
October 2, 2015 at 11:25 am
@Richard too bad my brother we stay with our husbands and not you we know how to hundle them.mine knows very well what kind of a lady I am,so am not worried about what you think more less worrying about school girls,my friend am from eastern we worry less.ati uluse yabaa!!..multimillion,yaa wanisekesa
richard
October 2, 2015 at 11:55 am
Ha I can’t see my comment!
richard
October 2, 2015 at 12:03 pm
@ba guy I strongly believe your hubby have tried am failed and he has accepted.Any way you can try ivf if you can afford or better adorpt an orphan.Or you can go and steal a new born baby or ask for a sperm from @denkete I believe he can keep a secret,wish all the best in you childless marriege.
Bushe?
October 2, 2015 at 2:00 pm
You kids of nowadays are being brainwashed by western culture.
In their culture Europeans see marriage differently. Their sex culture is so liberal that it is has moved out of marriage into funny things like swingers’ clubs, prostitution, strippers’ clubs all of which are strange to Africa but are now influencing our thinking.
Babies or children are very central to African marriage culture. We marry to have children not to have sex. Otherwise all of you hypocrites who are supporting the view above should not condemn homosexual marriages
Kachana Banda
October 2, 2015 at 2:33 pm
@ Bushe African Culture my foot. Does this mean that as an Africa you should develop Amnesia or stop being rational. There is a reason why God gave us BRAINS and all the FIVE SENSES.Westerners have a different way of doing things yes,but they are far better than us because they base their actions and decisions on INDIVIDUALISM, not here where you base it on the COLLECTIVE. Many people have babies without knowing why they are having them, (Just so that people can see that they are FERTILE) or just because their uncles,aunties,friends have pressured them or have under self induced pressure. THINK,PLAN AND ASK FOR GOD’S BLESSINGS AND GUIDANCE REGARDING YOUR DECISIONS. THEN GO AHEAD. Which is why our SOCIETY IS FULL OF TOXIC PARENTS, AND CHILDREN WHO CANNOT STAND THEIR GROUNDS due to lack of personal Identities.
Inside insight
October 4, 2015 at 12:02 am
You speak utter nonsense and you can’t even express your thinking. A black man who thinks whites are better should be a pit latrine
Chief Puta
October 2, 2015 at 2:48 pm
HH is nt and hs never bn a Christian and u xpect him to attend the national prayers,tell him abt Satan he will evn stop campaigning jst to attend to the master.
ba guy
October 2, 2015 at 2:54 pm
Richard may GOD deliver you.and thanks for trying to pick a fight with me.
Op
October 2, 2015 at 3:02 pm
@ Ba guy & mamajee, I salute u pipo & your spouses and enjoy your marriage.
but these idiots been impregnated by their fellow idiots is out of my boundary.
@Amadocters u right, whom do they think will kip their kids and nourish them?
I will never kip someone’s child while the father is still alive and have means to support himself.
experience is the best teacher
Daily Drinking Officer
October 2, 2015 at 3:14 pm
I’ve got 3 baby mamas & I’m still single,the most important thing is taking care of the children.
Op
October 2, 2015 at 3:20 pm
the author is wise in words but not in deeds.
every action will attract reaction & consequences. why shud u allow someone to run away from there responsibilities libi nimwebo bafwitila tata and now that things are hard u want to justify your ires possibilities
ba guy
October 2, 2015 at 3:25 pm
@Op thank you very much my dear am glad you have such a pure heart.children are a blessing from GOD hence they need to be taken very good care of,I salute all responsible parents.
Umfweni
October 4, 2015 at 9:46 am
I think the best advice would be trying everything possible not to impregnant or get pregnant out of wedlock. There is no way one impregnants and you let him run away from his responsibilities. What gives him more rights to enjoy life by marrying the girl of his dreams and letting the poor girl fending for herself and the poor child. Sex education should be introduced early. When we were young, elders told us that our fingers would grow long if we had sex. It was their own way of trying to stop us from having sex outside marriage. Parents, schools, uncles,aunties, teachers etc should work together in sex education.
cp
October 4, 2015 at 11:56 am
mmmmmm?
Door Frame Kapulanga Kasuma
October 4, 2015 at 3:29 pm
Chief Puta ure an idiot chikala chawiso.Who told u that HH is not a christian and who are u 2 judge