It’s not only how often we have sex that matters, but how we have sex that helps define our manhood. Some men like it fast and hard, while others like it slow and soft. Regardless of our personal preference, the way we bonk does more than determine the time it takes for us to get off; it determines who we are as guys. Here’s what your sex position says about you.
You have a disdain toward babes, and you try and degrade them any chance you get. This stems from deep insecurities rooted in the many rejections you suffered. Now that you’ve styled up, babes actually want to have sex with you (after a few beers) – and this is your chance for payback. Doggy style is the best way for you to completely demean your partner.
You’re someone who doesn’t like to take chances and prefers playing by the rules. That’s why instead of pursuing your childhood dream of becoming a lawyer, you’ve been working at the same video-rental shop since university. Luckily for you, your friend’s sis doesn’t love you for your naturalness in the bedroom. She loves you because you always speak in a monotone, only ever ordering chicken and chips at restaurants. Besides, whenever she craves sexual enlightenment, she calls your brother.
You don’t believe in hard work and are used to everything being handed to you on a silver platter. You’re an only child, so all your life your parents bowed to your every whim. Even the girl you’re with now is the daughter of family friends, and the only reason she’s still with you is because the MTN job your uncle got you helps pay for her expensive lifestyle.
There’s nothing more important to you in this world than being in a relationship. All your life you’ve been picked on by your friends, and you’ve developed low self-esteem as a result. The mere idea of ever sticking up for yourself gives you massive anxiety. The only person that doesn’t pick on you is your girlfriend. That’s why you’ll gladly do her nails, zip up her dress and fill her purse before she goes clubbing with the girls, and why you look forward to cleaning her when she pukes in the toilet at 4:00 a.m. After all, if she’s blackout drunk, you can spoon her all night long.
If you’ve mastered this, then sex is only your third favourite thing in the world. You don’t mind physical orgasms, but you prefer spiritual ones, in which your infinite soul is intertwined with your partner’s. Unfortunately, your girlfriend refuses to give you an orgasm – both physical and spiritual – until you cut off that ruffled beard. Or better yet, shower.