- Stay Connected
Socialize
6 COMMON Mistakes MEN Make In MARRIAGE
Men, we don’t mean to nag, but you may be making mistakes that risk ruining your marriage. In fact, if you are a typical man, you are likely making several, and making them often.
Don’t believe us? Ask your wife. Now, before you get all defensive, this isn’t about blame. These aren’t ridiculous relationship mistakes — they’re the subtle things that you might not even know you’re doing. And changing these habits could make a big difference to your wife — and that can only be good for you.
Recognizing these mistakes and making efforts to correct them will not only help your marriage, it may also help your health — and that of your spouse.
Over time, negative feelings in a relationship that aren’t addressed can lead to physical and psychological problems, says Silver Spring, Md.-based psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, PhD.
“Stress develops in the relationship for each partner, though for different reasons,” she says. “Typically by the time that a couple comes into treatment this stress has triggered anxiety or depression in one or both of them.”
Below are several common mistakes that men make with their wives, how to recognize them, and – most important – what you can do to correct them.
1. Not showing empathy
Empathy is the most important part of any relationship, says psychologist Albert Maslow, PhD. It’s the ability to recognize and share someone else’s feelings. And it’s something that, in general, women are better at than men. “Women want their feelings to be understood and validated,” says Maslow, who has a private practice in Crozet, Va. “Men have to discover this.”
Rather than simply listening, though, men tend to go into fix-it mode.
That’s a mistake.
“If your wife tells you she feels ignored, for example, at that moment what she wants is for you to understand her feelings rather than talk about the facts,” Maslow says.
2. Reckless spending
Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no, Vanderhorst says. In fact, she ranks it second only to infidelity when it comes to marriage-busting mistakes. And, she says, “Men tend to do it a lot.”
Why? Consciously or unconsciously, men frequently assign themselves the leadership role in the relationship. That, too, is a mistake, Vanderhorst says. “A couple’s relationship is a shared leadership position,” she says.
3. Being sexually selfish — or clueless
In the bedroom, men forget – or, worse, haven’t figured out – that their wives often need more than they do to get turned on, Maslow says.
“Affection, making her feel loved and needed — that’s basic for her to feel aroused,” Maslow says. “Older men usually catch on, but young men are especially unaware of this.”
Vanderhorst says turning a woman on begins well before the lights go down. “Men perceive sex as a sufficient means of being close, of having a connection,” she says. “But women want a connection prior to having sex.”
4. Listening the wrong way
Listening does not mean nodding along as your wife explains what is bothering her, all the while thinking up ways to fix the problem. “Men tend to analyze situations and generate options,” Vanderhorst says. “That’s guaranteed to make your wife go ballistic.”
What she most often wants is to talk things out, and she wants you to be actively engaged in the conversation, not by trying to be the hero and save the day, but by demonstrating an interest in what she is saying and caring about what she is experiencing emotionally, Vanderhorst says.
“This is not passive,” she says. “Listening to establish a connection is an active process.”
5. Shelving your feelings
Listening to your wife talk about her feelings is essential. So is talking about your own.
Many men, however, think they need to hide their feelings or risk being seen as weak. That’s a mistake.
Not sharing your emotions can be a real downer for your wife, Maslow says. “The woman feels like she’s missing a close connection that she wants with her husband. When he’s withdrawn, she feels like he is leaving her.”
Maslow acknowledges that getting men to open up can be difficult, but he also says it shows strength. “Growing up, a man learns that he can’t let others know when he’s scared. But opening up is taking a risk, and that takes courage.”
6. Going on a power trip
Being a man does not mean being in charge – many men don’t get that. “That’s one of the mistakes men often make,” Maslow says. “They try to get what they want by being dominant. But it’s not about making demands or trying to overpower her. Women will pull away from that.”
Vanderhorst agrees. She says that the “power position” that men often put themselves in essentially negates the relationship, which must be reciprocal, supportive, and caring. “Our best selves emerge in the context of our relationships with others and not as an independent entity,” she says.
Posted by
Munalian
January 8, 2012 at 6:03 am
this is the 3rd article in less than a week about men’s deficiencies;is the Tumfweko editor a scorned woman hell bent on demonising ALL MEN??? Please give us a rest!!!
Anyway…
To my darling Dahlia,
Let me adorn you with regalia,
Open for me your heart,
And I will never depart,
Make me some space,
And I will make it a better place.
tuntatunta
January 8, 2012 at 6:03 am
i think batumfweko ilyashi nalipwa nomba.u ev run out of stories jst tel us so dat we can b sending u issues nt ifyabupuba ifyo mwatampa who doesnt no how to hundle de wife,give us real issues twapapata
Dmx
January 8, 2012 at 6:07 am
The most important one is showing remorse.Men shdnt b remorseful 2 women,they brought sin on earth.treat dem like rags
Arsenal 1
January 8, 2012 at 6:15 am
Thax for the article I have learnt something,I will try to implement,I just hope things won’t backfire to a level of under-pitcort govt.
twiumfwako
January 8, 2012 at 6:39 am
Munalian is right. You see, the biggest problems in marriages or relationships is women not knowing how to handle men, not vise versa. Due to lack of info on how to earn real love from men, women turn witchcraft: feeding their hubbies with gumugumu, fulunyemba, malinso etc. Please, ba Tumfweko, find something to educate women, not only men.
atm
January 8, 2012 at 6:54 am
The author keeps on saying men do this and that. From the look of things we don’t do these things deliberate these things are inborn not doing them will be pretense and when you pretend you make even more mistake. The best women should do is to understand that we are the way we are just like the way we have understood them.A very Goodmorning to u all
BBC
January 8, 2012 at 6:57 am
JELITA TUMFWEKO. That is name I will give, Men dont make mistakes, and only mistake we make is to Marry them. Men we will never understand women or it is just a worst of Time. What I will encourage is to LOVE THEM COZ THEY MAKE A COMPLETE PART OF US. WE DONT MAKE A MISTAKE
Gaddafi
January 8, 2012 at 7:10 am
@ Twiumfwako u’re d man.
Ve neva heard of men seen a witch doctor becoz they want to be helped to term a wife. Nop..!
That means its ladies who mess it up most..
On sex therez nothin like being selfish here… If she can’t be open enough dats her fault… Coz a normal personal has to tell of the hubby…like .. “Honey I need sum of yo foul play or poundin”
Period ! Heard of a bemba sayin ” Akasoni kafwilile mwibula” ? Yeap..that goz wit nt being open enaf.
The Bible says d man is the head.. tell us u’re contradictin dat !
When u give to mch floor to ladies… U’re likely to mess yo family up. I.E rotten children ..
ITS A MAN’S WORLD like it or nt en dats the way en nt DORA’s world.
Whistle Blower
January 8, 2012 at 8:22 am
If you want real stories i can supply yuu with true stories like how Sling Beats Owner CHALI MULALAMI is cheating on he’s wife Evita with Zambezi Airlines girl SOPHIE, and all the Juicy affairs going on within Indo Zambia Bank. News natukwata bane
dewian
January 8, 2012 at 8:34 am
Okay so what is a man seeking?
1) First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
2) Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren’t necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don’t like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don’t believe any man who says otherwise.
Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman’s character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
3) Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.
4) Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
4) Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is ‘one of the boys’. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
5) Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn’t make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn’t necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don’t. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
6) Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
7) Men don’t like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
8) Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they’re in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
9)Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn’t there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn’t take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.
10) Men don’t want to be alone.
TRULYZAMBIAN
January 8, 2012 at 8:52 am
Reasons man is dominant.
Woman has “man” in it.
Female has “male” in it.
Mrs has “mr” in it.
Shameless
January 8, 2012 at 9:03 am
Non of the above is a mistake but nature. Fighting nature only leaves you vulnerable because you’re bound to lose. You can’t fight nature.
Take away the above from a man and you remain with a shell of a man.
Just think about it, why aren’t these so called mistakes common in women? It’s in man’s nature.
BBC
January 8, 2012 at 9:43 am
WHAT WE KNOW A ABOUT WOMEN AND A FACT
SOME WOMEN ARE LIKE INTERNET VIR– USES, FIRST THEY ENTER YOUR LIFE, SCAN YOUR POCKETS, TRANSFER MONEY, EDIT YOUR MIND, DOWNLOAD THEIR PROBLEMS, DELETE YOUR SMILE AND PUT YOUR LIFE IN DANGER.
Not every successful man is a good husdand, but every good husband is a successful man.
He who?
January 8, 2012 at 10:18 am
Fya basungu futi? Ol thiz quotations from western cultures! Dont we hav blak african sources? Western & african women diffr. Anso city & rural ladies diffr! So claiming “universal data” by wich men shud live by,nibufi!
XXXXXXXX
January 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm
the biggest mistake men make is marrying.
First Lady
January 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm
@Tumfweko, its beta 2 scrutinise yo articles b4 u post thm coz sme of these thngs r nt true abt our men.
We both make som of these mistakes & we waste tym blamin each other.
Its a nature of a man 2 be in charge coz it is a God-given attribute.
Wat our men nid 2 be advised is tht they shld love their women & vice versa, thts all. Bcoz wher there is love, only gud coms out of it.
I wrk whereas my fiance doesnt. I thot i cld do anythng wth the money i earn even if i dnt tel him abt it. I was wrong.
I learnt tht even tho wat i do wth my money is 4 my benefit, i stil nid 2 tel him abt it. He nids 2 feel tht he’s part of my decisions. Tht way, he’l be confident in the way i’l be spendin even wen we marry.
fimo fimo
January 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm
chimwanakashi cilembe ifi.women who feel umwaume is not a leader/inchage of a home hav the worst kind of marriege.
ftj
January 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm
i advise married women to get free advise for marriage happiness from the Bible: SUBMIT to your hubby for you to get ‘real love’ in return. This nonsense from marriage consultants who are not married themselves will land you in problems. A man in the head and there is no other way! The above advise is even self-contradictory in a lot of areas.
Munalian
January 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm
@ftj,
Your ANTIQUATED view that wives should be SUBMISSIVE/SUBSERVIENT to their husbands is very insulating and repulsive! The woman on the 21st century is educated,has career goals and benefit of contraception to determine the number of kids she can have!! To suggest that we should aspire to societal norms of 2 millennia ago is the height of ignorance that culture and society esolves over time!!
Why don’t you advocate a return to further back in history when men hunted wild animals and women gathered fruits while rearing children!!
Love -be in a teenage couple,newlywed or marriages that have stood time- is about MUTUAL RESPECT & TRUST!!! My parents have been married for 32 yrs but my MUM has NEVER been UBSERVIENT to DAD and she successfully juggled a very lucrative career and raising a family!!!
Shibukombe
January 8, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Ba tumfweko, you are doing a good job. But can you show professionalism by acknowledging the original authors of these articles.
Shibukombe
January 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm
@ Munalian, we need to form a wedding committee for your union with cute Dahlia soonest.
ftj
January 8, 2012 at 8:29 pm
@Munalian, i was quoting the Bible which is God’s word. So you like it or not heaven and earth will pass away but the Word of God will forever remain true, valid and incorruptible. Anything else including the devil’s manipulations have no base and will not be established, hence the seemingly sweet words like evolution-change.
Dollar
January 8, 2012 at 9:29 pm
Yes, to some extent the answer lies in not marrying them. When u marry someone u luv problem start. Women want to support their extended family secretly and if men do the same it becomes an issue. Marriage is not business to enrich ur family at an expense of ur husband. However, this is not to say do not support families but should mutual and equal on both sides without going behind his or her back coz that will make one feel insulted when he/she realizes.
Most important is make a prenup before marrige like no benefits if divorce occurs 15yrs in marriage and see if the luv u its ur money.
Woman’s best friend is not diamond but money.But money does not buy happiness or love. U cannot claim to be a christian and not follow what the bibble says on marriage.
Anyway best is not to marry coz u still can hv sex, kids etc and still very free, less headache.Ur family can visit u freely including parents. Marrige is not business period.
First Lady
January 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm
@Dollar u nt makin any sense. U probably jst unfortunate 2 hav found yoself wth such a type of woman. However, it is nt wise 2 judge all women bcoz of tht unlucky encounter u had.
I suggest u seek reason frm the bible, Ephesians chapter 5 vs 21 to 33 & pay much attention to vs 31.
First Lady
January 8, 2012 at 11:24 pm
@Dollar u nt makin any sense at all. Ur probably jst unfortunate 2 hav found yoself wth such a type of woman. However, it is nt wise 2 judge all women bcoz of tht unlucky encounter u had.
I suggest u seek reason frm the bible, Ephesians chapter 5 vs 21 to 33 & pay much attention to vs 31.
Abenamushi
January 9, 2012 at 12:59 am
Its good to hear other people’s views but here is mine. It doesnt matter how ugly or beautiful a woman is, what will keep her in marriage forever is to work like a CONCRETE MIXER!!! Perform otherwise, a man will be looking for comfort elsewhere, period!!! Now all ladies, go home and start practising.
Shimwana
January 9, 2012 at 11:12 am
hehehehe….ilyashi ilikaya!
maria
January 9, 2012 at 11:17 am
This article hit the nail on the head !!!! So very true!Every man should use this as a guide to have a more harmonious marriage..Happy women = happy home..
Mwine Ndola
January 9, 2012 at 11:40 am
Ba Tumfweko please educate some guys on how to make a woman go crazy overa man .Am in a fix this guy knows nothing about how to make me mad over him he just i think ni leaner fellow guys try to make insaka for men. so some guys can learn certain things for each other.kwati nalamu citafye dump he is kind of naive when it come to stuff like women
maria
January 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Hey Abenamushie….You seem like a man a women would NEVER want to please…unless your a women who is desperate….
fimo fimo
January 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm
@Munalian,Listen from @BBC & @ xxxxxxxx. These guys hav a message,finamayo fimo tafyupika.thre not just marrieg material.if they hav a chance to get married,its problems thru out,awe mwe.so ba Munalian u wil neva run away from SUBMISION.a women should submit to her husband,says the Bible.for your info my parents are married for 49yrs now and GOD willing nxt yr will be celebrating thyr Golden Jubilee finshi ulelanda iwe.mum has been submting all the way thru and that makes theyr story.NOT ifyo fyabupuba ifya ba ma PHD ifya muma book.
keyser soze
January 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm
we all know that in marriage you have to be ONE i think the trouble comes in when choosing which one.
apbl
January 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm
if they are common then they aint mistakes. number 1, no one hungs a notice at their door saying “nothing the matter here” i for one cant imagine life without mistakes one just never learns to be right if he cant be wrong. its the way life has to be take it or leave it, ladies if you are looking for mister perfect with no mistakes then brace yourselves for long sad lives. its quite healthy to be upset once in a while believe me its healthy
HIMYM
January 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm
THIS IS SOME BULL… US MEN ARE FINE THE WAY WE ARE,IF A WOMAN CANT LOVE US AS WE ARE.. AM SORRY DEAR BUT FIND THE DOOR AND HELP YOURSELF OUT.. WE DONT GO AROUND ASKING YOU TO CHANGE YPUR HABITS OR BEHAVIOR SO DONT TRY AND REMOVE THE SPECK IN OUR EYES IGNORING THE BLOODY LOG IN YOURS.. #TRUTH