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‘When You Catch God Lying’
He stood in front of a million people with a flamboyance and aura that told you from the onset that this was a man who had meticulously mastered his art. His followers staunchly followed him, some even claiming that he had a direct phone line to God, and when not on the phone to God, he was actually speaking to God face to face. Despite the fact that most of his followers lived in abject poverty, tithes can in fast and thick. You could tell from his designer cut suits and lavish lifestyle.I remember been at one of his sermons and feeling compiled to donate the last few coins between me and poverty, it was only when it clicked that I still had 28 days before payday that I decided I would give salvation a pass this time.
In an era when most clergy preached in old church building that literally transformed into ovens in the baking African Sun, he was buying air time on national television, with his conferences been held in 5 star hotels. But hey, who said salvation comes on the cheap, and that a man of God has to be pauper? His message was simple “Zambia shall be Saved.”
There was something odd though about his conversions with God. For those that were not still sucking from their mother’s breasts in 1990, you will remember that Zambia was still being ruled by a certified tyrant. He had ruled the country for 27 years with nothing to show for it apart from a life expectancy of 32 years. Every four years, the tyrant held elections in a one party state. It was him and a frog on the ballot paper.
I once voted for the frog. Without much digression, the people of Zambia couldn’t stomach the poverty anymore, and a social movement advocating for the return to multi-party politics gathered momentum. It came to be known as the Movement for Multi Party Democracy (MMD). History will tell you that the MMD was actually a sanctuary for some of the most insalubrious characters in the country: coup plotters, drug dealers, money launders, basically any individual with a loathing of the tyrant.
To the astonishment of many people in the country, the man of God, and gold at this point stood in front of the pulpit and warned the whole nation how not voting for the Tyrant would led to bloodshed and un-foretold misery for the entire nation. According to the man of God, the tyrant had been bestowed as an everlasting gift from God himself. If you added a bit more to your tithe, the man of God could intercede between you and God and you could ask God yourself. Yes, if the MMD won, they would be bloodshed in the country.
Despite voter apathy with only 42 % of the electorate turning up, the 1991 general and presidential election passed without any significant incident. The tyrant was emphatically humbled with his party winning a paltry 25 seats out of the 150 contested…… to cut a long story short, it is alleged that the man of God decided God must have been lying to him. He decided to abandon his flock and join politics, full time. Politics is the fastest way to get rich in Zambia. Ironically, he is now the president of MMD.
But God’s work is always there, people need to be saved. After the man of God had joined politics, others have come and filled the space he left. People like the man of GOLD at Dunamis ministries, a man that sees a potential wife in all the women in his choir. When his not dealing with the women in the choir, he is trying to defraud his followers of the GOLD he bought from their tithe. Just the other day, I saw another self proclaimed champion of justice waving a red card….. And please believe me, it wasn’t at a football match either. Now I hear God is telling him to run for presidency in 2016. Like those before him, he had a humble upbringing. Serving the poor and God in his local parish.
He was one of the catholic priests you wouldn’t have worries about if your son was an altar boy in their parish. Despite the church’s vehement opposition to gay rights, we all know history of priests and altar boys. I am digressing again.
Anyway, the man of God gained popularity with his red card antics, speaking openly against the corrupt ridden regime of the day. His red card campaign actually helped the main opposition party win elections. The opposition party was run by a very venomous serpent rightly named ‘king Cobra.’ As a former policeman, he knew how to crack the whip and was greatly feared by those he left in opposition.
He single handedly turned a thriving multi-party democracy system into an almost one party state. The serpent managed to do this by employing opposition members of parliament into his government, and giving all sorts of cadres’ high profile jobs.
The man of God was one of the beneficiaries to the King Cobra’s policy of rewarding those who had helped him grab the reins of power. He was rewarded with the post of chairman for an electricity supply company, a company with hardly any electricity to supply. He had pigeons as part of his remuneration, which he in fact enjoyed quietly. He moved from pigeons to chickens, which made him even quieter.
At this point, he had completely forgotten about God, and even worse still, his fight for justice for the poor in society. One day, whilst enjoying his savoury chicken in a well lit room, when the rest of the nation where languishing in darkness due to power shedding, he realised that that he actually wanted more than just the chicken he was eating….. Ostrich would do.
Is it not only natural progression that he moved from eating pigeons, to chicken and ultimately Ostrich?
So he temporarily switched on the electricity for the entire nation to see him clearly, and apologised for having forsaken the poor. He told the nation that God had a better plan for him than just eating chickens at an electricity company with hardly any electricity to supply. He could eat Ostrich better than King Cobra, whose popularity I have to admit was weaning.
You see, people in Zambia have a near genetic in-print that makes them believe whatever a man of God says, despite the poignant smell of ‘ a egregious lie’ . An indeed they believed him. God wouldn’t surely be lying again.
But just when the man of God was beginning to take his first political steps, rumours started filtering through. The man of God was actually a ‘hamuchende’ and not a ‘Bakolwe’ as his name would depict. At this point, I lost interest and decided to look at tribalism in this country, are we inadvertently heading towards tribal politics?
BY HN
Posted by
shibobo
May 21, 2013 at 8:52 pm
This article is confusing.It is bent on character assault.
Wanu Ngwee
May 22, 2013 at 5:44 pm
BOB MARLEY: “Cold ground was my bed last night and hard rock was my pillow…. I just feel like bombing the church now that I know the preacher is lying, he’s talking blues…talking blues…” AND THESE PREACHERS ARE CALLED:
1. NEVERS MUMBA
2. DANNY PULE
3.THE MANSION MAN IMAKANDO, AND NOW
4. OUR VERY OWN FR. PRES. BWALYA
Mistaken Identity
May 22, 2013 at 7:30 pm
lol
Mo taim
May 21, 2013 at 8:52 pm
” One day, whilst enjoying his savoury chicken in a well lit room, when the rest of the nation where languishing in darkness due to power shedding, he realised that that he actually wanted more than just the chicken he was eating….. Ostrich would do.” Ha ha ha.I like that one.
mpombo
May 21, 2013 at 11:45 pm
RUBBISH. PULL HIM DOWN MENTALITY.
Abena PJ
May 22, 2013 at 2:13 am
The problem we have is what is called lack of discernment. Many a time we attribute our selfish thoughts and desires to “God speaking to us” when in actual fact we are listening to our own ambitions.
CALLED WISE
May 22, 2013 at 3:50 am
THIS IS WHAT CALLED WISE CALLS: PURE ‘HACKED-OUT CONSPIRACY’.
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN HIPPOS WANDERING ON CAIRO ROAD?
kakolwe
May 22, 2013 at 5:12 am
I could have sworn it was Edem Djokote! Anyway, nice compilation in ‘irony’. Am curioua though, about the ‘hamuchende’ issue. Reminds me of ‘Miyanda is not hamuchende but a koswestan.’
dragster
May 22, 2013 at 2:48 pm
i also thought it was Edem.. is the man still writing?
Pastor Chris Musonda
May 22, 2013 at 8:32 am
IS THIS A POLITICAL OR Religious SATIRE
Timbwi
May 22, 2013 at 8:39 am
Zambians lets open our eyes. We may not like his story but that is just true. All those that try to use God for selfish motives will never succeed. Zambia is a christian nation no wonder these good for nothing men think people will love them even in worldly things forgeting their true calling.
chizutule
May 22, 2013 at 8:47 am
This is one piece of satire at its best…
zambian
May 22, 2013 at 9:56 am
God is never mocked for what a man sows so shall he reap.
Temitop
May 22, 2013 at 10:04 am
this is better than roy clark
isaac
May 22, 2013 at 10:05 am
To and fro story and contradicting in most cases. The story might mean it or might not. Quite confusing. The owner of the story doesn’t know whether he is going or not,he is for or against. CONFUSING!!!
ichipondo
May 22, 2013 at 10:12 am
Tumfweko,be careful with your humor.Never involve God in the rubbishes going on.never and frank are humans and are not bound to serve God.they are also untitled to their personal ambitions.lets move frd!
Conspiracy
May 22, 2013 at 10:55 am
CHEAP CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. GROW UP!!!
Anne-marie
May 22, 2013 at 11:01 am
From the onset, it sounds like an article written by a primary school drop-out. Do you not have editors???
Mundia M
May 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm
Annie-Marie, I concur with you. The grammar is pathetic.
The story itself is all over and is extremely slanderous with few facts. Tumfweko watch what you publish!
blackwoman
May 22, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Anne-marie are you sure of what you have written. your sentence is the one that sounds like its has been written by a grade one drop out. bane lets be factual. this is well writtenand well edited. are you Dr Mumba’s girlfriend?
jerabo
May 22, 2013 at 12:11 pm
to be or not to be-eee.
survivor
May 22, 2013 at 12:11 pm
It seems a lot of people have never heard of satire. Ama books bapongoshi. That is why most of us Africans are gullible. It is said that ‘ he who is not aware of his ignorance will be mislead by his knowledge!’ This is one of the best satirical articles I have ever read. Bravo HN
Mundia M
May 22, 2013 at 12:22 pm
Survivor, does that include the grammatical errors? E.G. in paragraph 2 consistently using BEEN instead of BEING???
Satire is only appreciable when the English is flowing and grammar is well tailored. Imagination is not the only requirement for good satire writing. One also needs a good command of the English language lest the article sounds too colloquial!
magobbo
May 23, 2013 at 10:07 am
I believe HN is not English.Non of the critics are English.Im not English but I got the sense very well.Well researched article HN.Please write again.
blackwoman
May 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Anne-marie are you sure of what you have written. your sentence is the one that sounds like its has been written by a grade one drop out. bane lets be factual. this is well writtenand well edited. are you Dr Mumba’s girlfriend?
blackwoman
May 22, 2013 at 12:30 pm
this is second article by HN, who is HN? Is it edem Djokotoe? Ba Tumfwenko, why are you hiding the writter full names
C.S.I KARIBA
May 22, 2013 at 3:12 pm
how does someone wake up to type 1160 words to criticize others??? “iwe basiye mulungu azaweluza yeee” *MC WABWINO VOICE*. and to the ***** named silent rage, you are pathetic, ta ba kufunda ba noko!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chief
May 22, 2013 at 3:13 pm
In the end of the world people will be lovers of money than the works of GOD.So no suprise with what is happening in this wicked world.Prophecy!!!!!!!!prophecy!!!!!!!!prophecy!!!!
Muntu nyoko
May 22, 2013 at 4:22 pm
How new is the article in the first place?
ABZ
May 22, 2013 at 7:47 pm
The writer hates God, doesn’t believe that God is no respecter of persons. Its God who has showed us the quest for perseverance. To God, it doesn’t matter how many can come before reaching the Promised Land. If u wither along the way, he leaves u behind cuts u off or leaves u behind. So, if other “Men of God” have failed to reach the Promised Land, it doesn’t mean no one will be brought up to take God’s people to the Promised Land. And, Father Bwalya is on the scene to do just that, after others have failed.
Emmanuel Chilekwa,
Fr. Bwalya’s Special Assistant for Press & PR
Jennifer Hamasonda
May 22, 2013 at 11:07 pm
It is saddening that Mr. Emmanuel Chilekwa has to respond such stories of fantansy from HN. I think some articles are not even worth publishing. It is a story full of hypocritical thoughts and arrogance. But thing we have to be sure of is that pathological lies would be exposed and diminish into political arenas where they would be waitning for their fates. I mean Rev.Mumba and father in retirement, Mr. Bwalya.
Jennifer Hamusonda
Bufi
May 23, 2013 at 9:27 am
Please spare us! This is character assasination. If you are man enough you might as well show your face while you hit below the belt and stab people in the back! COWARD!!!!!!!!!
Bufi
May 23, 2013 at 9:31 am
Any serious minded person we’ll know better than compare Dr.Mumba to a priest who was slaughtering chickens with his teeth at rallies???
maxim chibuye
June 5, 2013 at 7:08 am
Read matthew: 7 vs 1-7