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‘It’s Only Zambia Where Nurses Will Wake You Up To Give You Sleeping Pills’ A Funny Experience In A Zambian Hospital
Mid last week, my temperature was running high and since I am clearly not a fan
of hospitals, I thought it was best to limit myself to the confines of my room
until the sickness disappears but my mom was having none of that. She dragged me
to the hospital.
My first reaction when I got there was “WTH! This is crowded.”
I signed up for a medical consultation and found a place to sit.
After 3 hours of waiting, the bad tempered nurse at the reception area called my
name.
Thank God, I thought.
Before she let me into the doctor’s office, she put me on a height scale, weight
scale and proceeded to pump my BP.
“Nurse, Its just fever not a modelling audition. Are all these necessary?” I
asked giggling.
She frowned at me and increased the pressure till the friction numbed my arms.
That was her way of telling me to shut the hell up.
I was not surprised to say the least.
Its no news some zambian female nurses are far from polite. Especially those
ones with big buttocks that are always roaming from ward to ward with a tray of
injections, looking for an innocent patient to stab.
Like someone said on twitter, its only in zambia the nurses would wake you up
from sleep to give you sleeping pills.
When I got into the examination room, I was expecting some sort of gadget to be
used on me but everything was done MANUALLY. The doctor even used his palm to
gauge my temperature rather than a thermometer.
Oshey baddest doctor!!!
“So what is wrong with you?” He asked.
“That is your job doctor. If I knew I wouldn’t be here.”
No, that was not my reply. Clearly in zambian hospitals, you are expected to
diagnose your problem in your house so you don’t waste the doctor’s time at the
hospital.
“Fever.” I replied.
For all I know it could be a fever disguising as TB. God Forbids!
A cancerous fever. God Forbids!
A brain tumour fever. God Forbids!!
Ebola Fever. God Forbids!!!
But no, not in our hospitals. The first rule they operate in is,
“All facts surrounding a fever must be twisted and twisted until the final
diagnosis reads MALARIA.”
Now I made his job easier, he began manipulating my replies.
“How is it doing you?” He asked.
Na wa o. See question.
I used my palm to massaged my chin for a few seconds and then I said,
“Its doing me somehow oh.”
“You have headache?”
“No”
“Loss of appetite?”
“I guess.”
“Cough?”
“No.”
“Cold?”
“Small.”
He turned to my mom this time. “Madam, she has malaria!” He exclaimed.
*sigh* As usual. Don’t we all?
It seemed he forgot to ask me when last I saw my period in his line of
questions. My heart broke some years back when a malaria diagnosing doctor threw
the question at a twelve year old zambian singlegirl.
The only diagnosis these doctors are good at making are malaria, pregnancy and
HIV.
All my life, whenever I go to the hospital, I always return home with the same
malaria declaration after the doctor has assessed me MANUALLY. Sometimes when
the doctor is in a good mood, he takes my hard earned blood and upgrades me to
typhoid. This is the reason my dad almost bundled me to a native doctor when a
medical doctor told him the chances of his fragile 5-year old zambian
singlegirl surviving malaria were 20:80.
At least native doctors have high-tech equipment like a calabash for skyping
with sango, a speaking mirror and no-nonsense oracles.
Even when I roll into the hospital from the expressway with green blood dripping
from my nose, blue mucus dripping from my mouth and down syndrome attitude, Its
still malaria!
Back to our story.
It was time for drug administration.My favourite part where the doctor gets
to clear the shelves of the in-house pharmacy for me. The closer the drugs are
to their expiration date, the more generous he gets.
Five transparent nylon of drugs were given to me. First contained several
tablets of paracetamol, second contained those medium size multi vitamins, third
contained more than twenty tiny yellow tablets, fourth contained a green
coloured anti malaria tablets and the last one, orange vitamic C.
“Take all of it. Directives are on the pack for your dosage.” The doctor
commanded.
All ke? He didn’t even have conscience.
That was when I gave into a hysterical laughter. I laughed to the point that I
felt the fever leaving me in annoyance.
When I walked back to the reception, I wanted to grab a mic to announce to the
impatient prospective patients to return home. After all, their problem is
either pregnancy or malaria.
Finally home, it was time for me to be my own doctor as usual. I tossed
everything into my trashcan except for my vitamic C which became my hourly
tomtom.
Until our health care system improves, I know what to do when sickness strikes
again
By Kelvin Mulenga
Posted by
malama
January 3, 2015 at 8:49 am
You were lucky, he was going to kill you
Jane Mulenga
January 3, 2015 at 8:57 am
But the Medical Doctors should man handle the Kachasu Man. He is busy campaigning but yet he is seriously sick.
Let him be admitted at UTH and discharge him after elections to avoid having another State Funeral.
Zambians are tired and the Embassy Park is almost full.
Let the space at Embassy Park be reserved for people like KK and Rupiah Banda to some extent and NOT the Drunkard Muhammad Kachasu Chibuku Man.
We refuse as real Zambians.
Nyapapi
January 5, 2015 at 1:37 pm
Kikikiki! E ‘Tujilijili’ L.
Mufasa
January 3, 2015 at 11:23 am
You are a very funny person. You however forgot to mention that your dream was interrupted but the urge to go to the pit latrine.
Mufasa
January 3, 2015 at 11:24 am
….by the urge to go to the pit latrine.
Jinx Popo
January 3, 2015 at 1:41 pm
Stupid patient:
1. Nurses work under Dr’ s orders. If the patient is due to receive sedating drugs, even if they are dosing, they have to give that and sign somewhere. Only a Dr can review that prescription. Of course a nurse can report what she saw.
2. So many people still die from malaria in our environment especially children under 5yrs and pregnant women. It is clinically unforgivable to “miss a malaria diagnosis” in our environment. In fact for frontline cadres who may not rule out malaria, they are advised to treat all fevers as malaria until proven otherwise, Styopeti.
vampiro
January 3, 2015 at 2:56 pm
Can’t understand the story. Bushe kashimi nangu chiloto. Someone help me. Cant comment on rubbish things yu call stories
Judge Joe Bidden
January 3, 2015 at 3:58 pm
Stupid and childish story. If I were the doctor I would have sent them back home.
X Zambian
January 3, 2015 at 4:11 pm
Most Medical stuff in UTH are useless!! A cleaner there is probably more professional than your doctors and nurses, that’s why people like me with Millions and Millions in the bank would rather be treated in a Royal Hospital in UK that that HELLHOLE you call a University Hospital.
mutale Yumba
January 4, 2015 at 5:12 am
Nabakafikepo mukwayinendalama shenu. Meet you at the royal hospital in UK. No comments beyond this.
Chikubabe
January 3, 2015 at 10:50 pm
Places of work and professions have procedures to follow,what the nurse did was absolutely right taking vital signs first as they call them. This data will assist in the finding of the rightful diagnosis.The only thing that makes me sick and tired is the is of fixed diagnosis based on colour.eg like you have said on hiv,only the blacks in any country will be asked for an hiv test not others…..One time used to be in the fore front talking about hiv,was called on to present a paper to students from Europe and USA,was surprised how bored they became.I started to ask them what they knew about hiv,they never heard about it not even bill boads or posters, or media programmes in their countries. Now its ebola an African tag, doctors and their minions busy reading theories about it so that they can start demonising others..Research, how it all started ,who started it,is it true….well,well.
mutale Yumba
January 4, 2015 at 5:22 am
Reading through the article and some comments shows how dangerous little knowledge can be. Also noted how that for many of our patients there is an attitude problem. They seem to know it all. A nurse must not take temperature and the doctor must not take a medical history from a patient? Oh what a world!!Then do not go to the hospital. Then you will be part of the brought in dead (BID) or the “royal hospitals and brought back as “cargo”.
Scot fun
January 4, 2015 at 8:29 am
Boy am I glad to learn that doctors are the ones who order nurses to be so rude and impolite… Be wondering you know.
kakolwe
January 4, 2015 at 8:36 am
How does a phucking damn reporter make a ridicule-whim as a title to a puerile story as a headline? Ubupuba!! The author is a type of humanity that make fun of doctors but later cry foul when they rush to the hospital oozing green sh!t from every orifice in their emancieted bodies. In short: Wituka mwanakashi talafula…
mj
January 4, 2015 at 12:21 pm
The author of da story is very stupid and shallow minded.. U think like a tombolilo. Nzelu ulibe boi
NEMESIS
January 4, 2015 at 1:15 pm
Iwe jane mulenga starnioko, tulelanda fimbi waletpo amashisha yobe ahi ?? Chikaputula ukulamb idiot.
shongola
January 4, 2015 at 3:02 pm
Uli chipuba
Zedian
January 4, 2015 at 6:30 pm
The author is stupid, clueless and f@cked up. Even here in the U.S, nurses have to check your weight, temperature, height, and so on. You need some exposure you useless piece of sh!t. If you have an egotistical attitude, how the f@cking hell would you expect the nurse to treat you like a princess? Of course the Zambian medical system is flawed, but your stupid, naive attitude doesn’t help. Grow a f@cking brain!
Tisa
January 5, 2015 at 1:19 am
This internet is really showing how stupid some people are. If you have nothing good to write please do not type anything.
Eunice Drew
January 5, 2015 at 2:01 am
First and foremost, i would say the author of the above story is very ignorant. When a patient goes to the hospital, a nurse is the first contact. The nurse with take observationes, such as temperature, pulse, blood pressure, respiration and saturations. In case of a diabetic patient blood sugar will be tasted. When the doctor comes to see the patient, the first thing he will ask is the patient observations. So the nurse was absolutely correct to do all those things. That’s the nurse’s responsibility.
Kay1
January 5, 2015 at 11:56 am
Cha!Zed 4 u boi
Atripla
January 6, 2015 at 2:11 pm
Stupidity at its level best.how does some1 jst display their ignorance like that?if u go 2 the clinic 2 find faults in the medical personel u’ll defintely find them coz they r also human not supernatural beings.u must be very foolish 2 post such a long nonsense article.who said every fever is malaria.who tod u dat in Zambia we hv machines dat will detect yo complaints.u hv 2 tell us yo complaints thats wen we’ll kno which investigations 2 do 2 conclude yo diagnosis.yo problem is dullness. walitumpa.