TORN APART with BOYD PHIRI
IT’S that time again when people develop fantasies of self-reform, I mean, every December individuals making resolutions to change their course of life in the New Year.
It seems good timing for one to make resolutions while everyone is feeling guilty about not accomplishing the previous vows on their lists.
I am not sure this time around how people in the hood are doing with resolutions, perhaps I should suggest some for them.
I know you’re thinking about the idea that people should stop fighting over a toilet in 2016, given that some men have perfected the art of peeing everywhere.
But top on the list of things I want the people in the hood to do is to stop gender-based violence (GBV), especially now that Minister of Gender Nkandu Luo has advised women to boycott conjugal duties if men continue battering them.
Of course, no married man wants to spend the whole year feeling deprived of his conjugal rights because of not keeping this resolution.
I know that some men would be too willing to stop GBV next year, I mean, how can they know what to do to change their behaviour if women don’t boycott their conjugal duties?
For some men, being denied conjugal rights for a year would be like being sentenced to 100 years imprisonment – one year without a roll in the hay can be like eternity.
Obviously, if such a thing happened, it would be like one dying in a toilet with unused mtototo or mwania akazi (sex boosters) in the pocket.
Haven’t you heard about a man who was found dead in a toilet in Kabwe with sex boosters in his pocket?
To those who do not batter their wives, my advice is; make a resolution to maintain that peace in the home. They might also resolve to take up some course in marriage counselling.
Like some women in Kenya did. Tired of being beaten, they took up martial arts.
According to The Telegraph, at the age of 60, 80 or maybe 100, the grandmas of Korogocho slum learnt the rudiments of martial arts in order to survive in one of Kenya’s most dangerous shanty towns.
But I am not saying the women in the hood in Zambia should also resolve to take up martial arts to defend themselves against gender-based violence, because they might end up being perpetrators of GBV themselves not victims.
Okay, that’s not the only resolution I want to suggest for the hood. Let’s see, parents to stop marrying off their children early?
Of course, Government and non-governmental organisations have been trying to stop the practice for years, yet some parents have continued marrying off their children just to acquire goats and cows from suitors.
Maybe the parents who have married off their children early could resolve to start a BringBackOurChildren campaign. Obviously, just considering the need to have their children back would force authorities to consider an amnesty for them.
How about if men resolve not to marry girls as young as 12 years? Maybe they could also resolve not to visit witchdoctors for sex boosters such as mwana apeluke, which means “Let the child swing.” Don’t ask me ‘swing from what?’
If they don’t keep this resolution, they would have to wait for a doctor at a hospital to neutralise their prized possessions after being denied conjugal rights.
Looking around in the hood, I see other people with numerous things that need changing. It seems as though it might be easier to make resolutions for other people than for myself.
Probably I would urge people to resolve not to climb telecommunications towers each time they fail to solve a problem or indeed kill themselves when they fail to redeem themselves from drunkenness.
Recently, a man of Kabwe committed suicide because of beer-induced problems. He wrote in a note, which the police found in his pocket, that he was tired of being a drunkard.
That was ridiculous. But how could he know what to do to change his life-style if he didn’t keep his resolution of stopping drinking beer?
This is the problem with resolutions. If you don’t keep them you end up killing yourself. But in the case of Johns Kataya, he resolved to breathe his last, perhaps the only resolution he kept in his whole life.
I just can’t think of anything that I want landlords in the hood to change, but all the same, they could resolve to stop knocking on their tenants’ doors as early as 05:00 hours when pursuing rentals.
Everyone should resolve to change something about themselves, just like tenants should resolve not to turn their slumlords into warlords.
How about if sex workers resolve to become ‘born-again’ and search for permanent partnerships in churches?
They could stop spending time on the streets at night and apply their time and energies singing in the praise team.
If they fail to keep this resolution, they would be risking their lives at the hands of some gun-toting clients who refuse to pay for services.
However, the best resolution would be not to make any resolution because at the end of the year one ends up feeling guilty after failing to keep the vows.