By Mirror M’shanga

I was born again at a very young age, definitely grew up in church. Just like any other beliver, i joined the choir and started singing for the sake of singing. For me being a Christian meant acting righteous even when i knew deep down my heart that i needed help, i lived my life just like the way a lot of Christians are living today, Lukewarm watered down Christianity.

It all started when i was 11 years old not too sure of the exact age, i had friends who had access to pornography. It started as misguided children watching harmless “Meant for elders” videos. We would borrow discs, lock doors, closed windows and made sure that curtains covered every part of the windows. It was an on, off thing until i went to high school, i didn’t plan on getting addicted but it became worse as i grew older.

I graduated from just watching porn to learning how to mаsturbate. I remember i would watch pornography and mаsturbаte twice a day, i became a “performing Christian” i became good at pretending. I spoke in tongues and prayed like never before. People thought i was this cool over spirit filled sister but i was far from it.

The reality was that i was hopeless and desperate on a daily basis, i felt dirty. i wanted to tell somebody so badly but you will agree with me that, pornography and mаsturbation is the most abused and over looked sin in today’s world. I was scared that people were going to judge me because we have taken the church as a place where the “righteous” go to and not “sinners.” I didn’t have the guts to speak up because my family were going to be ashamed because of my sins.

Every time i was done pleasuring myself, i always felt guilty instantly. I experienced the darkest time of my life, i convinced myself that it was better to never talk about it. I was too embraced to even tell God what i was going through even though he knew about it. I became addicted and it seemed impossible to quite, i felt chocked by my compulsive addiction.

My relationship with God became strange, i felt so far away. I was angry at him for letting this sin continue in my life. I didnt want to tell him my struggles because i always thought i needed to figure it out on my own. I stopped reading the bible or praying because i was too dirty to approach the holy throne. I tried all possible ways to stop this sin that was eating me up, i goggled books on “how to stop mаsturbation”, i watched videos on “Is watching prnography or mаsturbation a sin.”

But non of all that helped me, infact just after that i still went ahead and watched pоrnography and minutes later i crawled back into my dark corner. I didnt know what to do because no one talked about this at church, i tried everything in my capacity to stop but nothing happened. On a faithful wensday, i missed God so much, i missed the place where i first loved him… I started crying and loudly said “I miss you, What happened to us!” i remember this day like it was yesterday because i felt peace.

I cried for hours because i didn’t know that he was with me through out that battle, i stopped deceiving myself and confronted my denial and talked about it with God. I finally gave God the permission to work on me, i stopped holding things away from him because i realised that he cares about every area of life. I am safe to say i have 3 plus years of sobriety, God served me from this pain and shame. I searched for a scripture that has helped me through out the years…(Roman’s 6: 12 -14).

I kept a secret for years because i was afraid of what my family or people will say. But this was not about them it was about me, i stopped caring so much about what people would say and confessed my sins to God and he forgave me. You see there is this shame around this topic, and this stigma behind pоrnography and mаsturbation has sadly forced people deeper into shadows.

Today i have decided to break the chain and tell the rest of the world what i have struggled with and what God has done for me, i have decided to speak up on things that believers and non believers are secretly struggling with. especially being a girl, people don’t expect a girl to watch pоrnography worse still mаsturbate but trust me, there are a lot of girls that are going through what i went through.

You cannot have your pоrnography and heaven too, you need to choose one. Yes, i am talking to you! My brother in yellow doted tie in church speaking in tongues, pretending to be holy. I cannot forget you my dear daily devoted church goer. No amount of church attendance, or emotional- high worship singing will serve you. Surrender that addiction to God and let him serve you. Lets put the homie, brother, pastor, man of God down for a moment and lets be real.

There are people in churches that are struggling with a similar addiction that i went through. The truth is we all have our hidden corners, you know those secrets that looks so attractive in the darkness.That are slowly killing us, a lot of marriages are broken because of pюrnography. Lets not shy away from talking about addictions in our various churches because it is real. its not too late to stop, find someone that you can talk to. An elder at church, a pastor or a friend. Most of all ask God to guide you. Jesus always forgives and restores i am a living testimony.

I have shared my personal addiction with no shame because i want to let someone going through it, know that there is still hope. My hands are wide open and available to the person who may need help, to those who are battling with different addictions know that you are not alone! God has your back.

If this will help me reach out to others, let it be done and bring glory to God.

#Mirror The Life Guru.
#mirror The Nerve To Serve.