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The Anguish Of a Jilted Husband
GENDER FOCUS with EMELDA MWITWA
Thumbs-up to all men who supported us last week in our quest for gender equity as we commemorated international women’s day. This week I dedicate this space to a man who is battling with bitterness after his wife cheated on him with another man.
The man, who, I will call John for convenience, pours out his bitter experience with divorce and the pain of seeing his children torn apart by his separation from his wife. He wants Gender Focus to counsel men to respect other people’s wives. Although I feel married women should equally respect themselves because ‘it takes two to tango’, says a common maxim.
Dear columnist,
I am a regular follower of Gender Focus and I was impressed with your article entitled “Modern couples losing African warmth.” It was thoughtful of you to give counsel to young couples who are lost in modernity so that they could learn to warm up to the extended family.
I write to seek counsel on a marital problem which has been bothering me quite a lot. I am nursing a broken heart after a bitter divorce I found myself in after my wife cheated on me with another man.
Please do not reveal my true identity for obvious reasons.
My ex-wife and I lived happily until my friend got a job in the civil service after I took her to college. We got married under a traditional arrangement after we had our child out of wedlock soon after we completed school.
I would like to mention that my ex-wife and I were childhood sweethearts. I was on the Copperbelt studying when my friend moved in with me and that’s how we got married.
When my wife started working, we could not just get along until I found disturbing text messages from her boyfriend. People hinted to me that my wife was cheating on me but I could not believe it until I found disturbing text messages in her phone.
I loved this woman and was ready to forgive her then, but she personally opted for divorce because of this man who is actually married. Though not formally divorced in court, we went our separate ways because my in-laws rose against me in favour of their promiscuous daughter. With the way everything went, I felt going to court would be a waste of time. I just decided to leave the country for South Africa where I am currently working.
My wife has continued seeing this man who is married, and they have a child together.
I have tried to let bygones be bygones but it hurts me a lot because I sacrificed my meagre salary to take this woman to school. It is also disheartening to see my two children separated from me because of a selfish man who has no regard for other people’s wives.
To take you back, when my friend got pregnant, we were not ready to tie the knot because I needed to go to college. But my parents paid damages to the tune of KR320, equivalent to three cows ,and this was a substantial amount in 1991. I was on the Copperbelt when my fiancée moved in with me.
though I objected, she insisted saying her grandmother advised her that I might ditch her if we continued staying apart.
It was at this time that my wife became pregnant with our second child. After this we travelled to the village where I was asked to pay dowry.
When we came back from the village our marriage was rosy until I lost my job and relocated to my home town in the Eastern Province.
From the blues, my wife started behaving in a funny manner and denying me sex. She would travel to Lusaka every week-end without informing me. To cut the long story short, we convened a family meeting when our problems got out of hand. It was in this meeting when one of my in-laws confided in my mother that my wife was going out with a rich man in Lusaka and her parents were aware about it.
Apparently confirming it all, my wife told our elders that she was no longer interested in me. She gave no reason and that’s how we separated. A few years later, I sued my wife for reconciliation in the Lusaka Boma court, but she totally refused to take me back.
As I write to you, am hurt because I am staying outside the country while our children are with their mother. I am all by myself but my ex-wife has a third child from her lover. I need advice on how I can get my children. I support them financially- one is a school- leaver, while the other is a ninth grader.
I have given up on reconciling with my ex-wife, but I would like you to comment on prominent people in society who are wreaking havoc on other people’s marriages. I sacrificed a lot for this woman, but here is another man who is reaping where he did not sow. I feel that men should respect other people’s wives.
Please don’t mention my name, a pseudonym will do.
Dear John
I really sympathise with your plight especially that you are deeply in love with a woman whose heart you have lost to another man. It is sad that this woman decided to ‘repay’ you with an adulterous affair after sacrificing your hard-earned money by sending her to school. Despite everything that happened, I would like to commend you for empowering your ex-wife with a trade because not many men would do what you did. You meant well because you wanted your woman to be financially independent, though you were able to provide for your family. Some men would rather wives who are financially-dependent on them than those who want to work or engage in business.
You might have lost this woman to another man, but I am sure that your children will definitely benefit from the investment you made into their mother. It is good to do good to other people even if they repay you with evil.
From the tone of your letter, I feel your pain and bitterness and my encouragement to you is that this is not the end of the world. You should not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity; it’s not worth it. This woman has chosen to leave her husband to become someone’s mistress; shameful as it is, there is nothing you can do about it.
You are engrossed in bitterness because you have not forgiven your ex-wife and her lover. This may sound like a bitter pill to swallow but that’s what you need to do in order to rid your heart of that excruciating pain.
God commands us to forgive no matter how much we are wronged, and no matter how right we may be. Make a decision to let by-gones be bygones and say a little prayer so that God could help you move on in life.
As for your children, I think they are now old enough to live with either you or their mother. I know that it is usually difficult for divorced couples to amicably resolve the issue of custody of their children without seeking legal advice. I would urge you to take the matter to court and am sure that the two of you will get a fair deal.
God bless and all the best.
Comments and suggestions:
[email protected]
Posted by Editor
on March 14, 2013. Filed under LIFE & STYLE, STYLE.
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t b jo
March 14, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Yayaya…sad indeed. I think every story has two sides u hav said yoz. Its wrong wat she did espically the man she z seein is married. Ali tumpa fye uyo namayo.
Charlz
March 14, 2013 at 12:47 pm
I really feel for you,l have a friend who passed through the some situation as you.My friend’s ex-wife got married last year in december.My friend was depressed.l encouraged my friend just as l want to encourage you,you must forgive your x wife(most difficult)for you to move on.Then you must seek healing (others take to the bottle,not advisable)from God.l lost someone l loved so much that l fail to get into another relationship but since l started seeking God,l have that peace which comes only from God.Also you should ask for forgiveness from God.The key is forgiveness.
Janet c
March 14, 2013 at 1:46 pm
Men cheat on women all the time – leave their wives for other women – what is the big deal here!!!!! It’s perfectly normal
Janet c
March 14, 2013 at 1:47 pm
Men even have children outside wedlock all the time – this is not a story ba Tumfweko – give us real news please
nawaitwika
March 14, 2013 at 3:19 pm
The woman is a betrayer. She has betrayed you but all I can say is what Charles has said the no 1 thing to do is fogiveness, release her I know its not easy but with God all things are possible and for you own information she doesnt even love that man its just his money that she is in love with when money finishes she will ditch him for another rich man period. Do not worry about the sacrifice you made God is the one who rewards He will reward you in due course meanwhile take care of your children if the man she married to is taking care of them well and good let him educate your children but you should also be contributing something towards their education soldier on its not the end of the world its a beginning of new life one day you will find a person who will love you more that you expect.
barotse diaspora
March 14, 2013 at 4:06 pm
Never trust a woman all are same.most of them use dogs brain.they are just disposbles.only use them and damp them
pnl
March 14, 2013 at 5:20 pm
It is ridiculous to coin gender cerebration as gender a fight for gender inequality. Who created that inequality if be it exists? Why fight the establishment of God? Please be careful with these world evils- gender,equal rights, homosexual, etc. Let be as God designed you.
kakolwe
March 14, 2013 at 6:35 pm
The pity is seeing a man cry this long after the love he will never win back.
Man dust your pants & move on. That is waters-under-the-bridge! Your kids wil lnot forget you. So talala boy
NIKITA
March 14, 2013 at 7:05 pm
IVE JUST GIVEN UP ON EVERYTHING NOW!
simbi ya boma
March 14, 2013 at 7:28 pm
We know gender equality is a political move to reward women for their commitment in voting and various community work.
We have gone to sku and we are deep rooted christians, we can’t be duped further. We have moved in organisation and we can assure you that you will need to create a limit because in almost every organisation you have exceeded fifty percent.
I have a few questions to ask you!
1.What do you want to achieve
2.Why is it that almost all non governmental organisation wants to kill the future of a boy and raise a girl only.
3. Why have you kept quiet on prostitution
4.How about indecent exposure(walking naked)
Do everything you want but you must know that what God has ordained no man can fool him.
I’m not hate but I’m not happy with everything women alone. You must declare fathers day a public holiday.
nishi
March 14, 2013 at 7:36 pm
@simbi ya boma. Chiwamina dog ku luma goat…..taste of men own medicine. Da way u feelin is hw women felt/feel…. Ba michengesha….
umutototo
March 14, 2013 at 8:51 pm
Sad indeed… Especially that the man loved the lady with all his heart… Wat a ****** woman.
Jack Malama
March 14, 2013 at 9:08 pm
Get over it dude. Shit happens
MaxMbizo
March 15, 2013 at 8:12 am
Some thing very similar happened to one guy I know very well. He was paying the fees of this girl he loved so much at UNZA. When she graduated, he even found her a very well – paying job with one of tree parastatals. That’s when things started going very wrong for him. The girl just disappeared! Every time he called her on the cellphone, the phone was switched off. Whenever he tried to see her at her work place, she found an excuse for avoiding him: either she was too busy with work or attending a meeting. She couldn’t even reveal where she was staying! Some months later, the girl phoned him to inform him that she was getting married to another guy. My friend was distraught,very depressed, and almost suicidal. I advised him to forget about her and get on with his life. He seemed to listen to me and fortunately found another girl. Recently I learned that this heartless UNZA girl married a not so honest guy who was fired from his job for embezzling his employer’s money. She has since separated from this man and living alone. My friend has since married the new girl he found and as far as I can tell they seem to be a very happy couple. That’s I call poetic justice.
t b jo
March 15, 2013 at 10:51 am
@max mbizo. Wow tat was a good turn of events in yo frienda case. But tell me hw many men do this to girls/women. Its v common of men doin this to even their own wife. U strart together things gettin beta than wen things r good girlfriends o over mean while u suffered together to get to were u r. V unfair. Lets think about that. So its beta to call for change of such behaviours by both men n women espeacially men.
Priscar
March 15, 2013 at 12:40 pm
People it would only be fair to hear the story of the lady. Some of these men are lazy I tell you. My husband is one of them. Each day what he did was to watch movies on DSTV I would go for work leave him watching come back find him watching. Meanwhile I struggle to pay for DSTV, pay sch fees, and all other services in a home. As if that is not enough in the night he wants to demand every day and many times because he knows that he will have time to sleep during the day. When you refuse you are labelled. What about cooking and if you cook vegies maybe you have run out of money he refuses to eat. Breakfast he want milk and eggs everyday. You try to put in a control on food he starts to complain and he gets annoyed and starts to say you are talking too much on food because you are the one who is working!!! is that realistic!!!! Some men have forgotten their responsiblities. It is understandable if you see one trying even though failing but not where somebody sits home because he knows that at the end of the day he will have food on the table. That is why some men eat food bought by fellow men. Therefore, it is only fare to compare these stories before commenting kaaaa…..
Concerned
March 15, 2013 at 3:56 pm
This type of a woman nibalya abafwaya lyonse filibwine she does not believe on 4 better 4 worse.My father lost employment some 8 years ago since then, it’s only mum who provides for the family and she doesn’t complain . So mucendefye uyu namayo my brother just forget about her and move on.I knw it’s not easy especially that you spent alot on her bt am advisin u to leave it to God. He knws everythin u did to this woman and hears your cries she wil reap wat she has sowed.
test
March 15, 2013 at 4:08 pm
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1200
March 15, 2013 at 5:51 pm
@priscar, walasa Gelo.Tho Even ladies are there who do caurses but only go to look for a job when there is a difference in a home.when all is well they will let dust settle on their qualifications, and sing lovely songs in the kitchen & watch Nollywoood with neibors.Pliz once one acquire a certain qualification let him/her try to use it for the benefit of the family, it pains to provide everything to a person who has the capacity to suppliment the daily burden of life.
tifi-tifi mukalamba
March 15, 2013 at 8:16 pm
Too bad indeed. Some families are like ticks always sucking from someone. My dear brother just forgive and move on with life, I pray that the almighty God will give you a lover better than you can ever emagine.
And as for your children, go to coart and surely the law will be very fare.
Manyoni
March 16, 2013 at 2:53 pm
I had a similar situation.My ex jilted me for some rich prominent man and they have a Child together as I am speaking.Apparently he is a married man.Aba bakazi ni njoka,even in the Bible they disturbed Adam who was ok on his own.You are not the only one boy,tulibengi.Pick up the bits and pieces and move on.
Ruth
March 16, 2013 at 11:37 pm
darling my husband did the same to hev left me for another woman and left me with three kids i suffered providing for the kids alone but he made me stop school i was nearly disowned my mother he forgot all that i went to look for a job mu ma yard little did i know God had a plan for me today am abroad working and paying school fees for my children he no where to be seen.he left me wen the third one was only two but now hes 12yrs and the first now doing grade 11.God is gud my brother he will give you some body who wil appreciate you.we can hook up you knw to comfort each other tikasungane mwandi LOL.praying for God to give you strength to move on as he did to me.
dw
March 17, 2013 at 7:45 am
Being broken hearted is part of life.I was so broken 7yrs ago that even breathing was painful so afta mang yrs I completly forgave that man and prayed to love again bt nw am inlove with my best friend in a man infact I hv neva felt like this before if I died today I wud die happy coz a man has showed me that nt all of them r the same.my brotha take heart its time to move on and b happy allow ur heart to love again seriously nt al wmen r the same.tcare
John
March 17, 2013 at 10:28 am
Ruth,
You can e-mail the writer of this article to give you my e-mail address then we can link up.I am the jilted man